sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
whose ass print is on the piano?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
