Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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