he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
