Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
