you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
