Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
