Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Randomize
