I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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