Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
