love makes seman taste better
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
