You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
