My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize