There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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