I love black thongs
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
