Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
