I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
