one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
