did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
