Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
