i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
