Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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