yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
