I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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