I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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