I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
