The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
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