Someone shit on the floor
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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