Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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