Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
