I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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