It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
