Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
