I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
