I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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