She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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