i just sent this text using only my big toe
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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