I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
