You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
