Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Randomize
