btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
