I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
