it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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