Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
