i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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