how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
