Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
