i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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