Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
