32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
