I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
