my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
