I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
