Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
