i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
