haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
