2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i jhust puked up my retainher.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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