He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
