During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like a drive thru vagina
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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