i'm signing you up for texting rehab
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Randomize
