he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
