You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize