I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
