I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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