Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
